From The Bleachers 6.02.11

As the end of the week approaches, a pair of OWS contributors banter about some of the important (and not so important) news items of the week.

We need a sports blog ‘misery index‘.

…Canucks forward Alex Burrows biting Bruins forward Patrice Bergeron.

I like his strategy because it must be hard to get any leverage behind a punch while wobbling around on skates. My only concern, though, is that while biting someone during a hockey fight, what if your tongue got stuck to the other player’s helmet a la A Christmas Story? As you may have guessed, my knowledge of hockey consists of two parts: 1) it takes place on slippery ice and 2) ice is cold.

Eh. whatever. Who hasn’t bit someone during a fight? It happens. Actually, does it count if Burrows doesn’t have teeth? Because all hockey players doesn’t have teeth, right? I like how he wasn’t suspended — Tyson got a raw deal, man.

…on Shaq retiring.

He’s been in the NBA since we were in 1st grade. He’s seen me start as a grade-schooler eating paste and watched me mature into a young man sniffing glue. Cheers. But jeers, too. I blame him for every juiced up douche getting the Superman logo tattooed on their arm. Nothing super about doing 150 bicep curls a week. More like superfluous, right? (I hate myself.)

Shaq in Orlando is a perfect example of a kids thinking — I feel like he was there for my entire childhood. In reality, it was only 4 seasons. I can’t count the number of nights in college when the ’94-95 Orlando Magic roster got brought up. Whatever the amount, it’s not healthy. I’m just relieved that he finally go the @Shaq twitter handle. No more @The_Real_Shaq or whatever it was.

…the turtle smuggling epidemic.

This week Thailand customs seized 451 turtles from multiple suitcases at a Bangkok airport. Apparently, on the black market, this stash of turtles is worth over $30k. This isn’t an isolated incident, last September, 1,140 turtles were seized. $30,000? I’m in the wrong business.

What were they going to actually do with the turtles? They had to have been planning to sell them as food, right? Like, is it an expensive delicacy in Thailand? I’d eat a turtle. It’d be like one of those cut scenes from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3: The Manhattan Project for Nintendo where every 5 minutes Shredder would say, “Tonight I dine on turtle soup!” You sure are, Shredder, but I hope you have a place to keep your wallet in your spiky unitard. Shit ain’t cheap.