From The Bleachers 2.17.11

As the end of the week approaches, a pair of OWS contributors banter about some of the important (and not so important) news items of the week.

We are hoping to get Watson to write a post for us. For now, hit the bleachers.

…Tiger Woods, spitter.

I say we call a truce on any obvious sexual jokes here. But I think a distinction needs to be made here: was the spit purely saliva-based or was it phlegm-based? Two very different things. In my book, this is Tiger’s most egregious crime against society if he was hauling off influenza-loogies onto the green after missing a putt.

I heard the fine was in the area of $14,000. If Roger Goodell was running the European Tour, Goodell would have somehow ended up with half of Tiger’s assets. Woods should embrace the heel role. Spit on every green. Instead of the Tiger “fist pump”, do a crotch chop. Instead of yelling “C’mon Tiger” when he mishits, unload with some curse words. After hitting a put, pull out a hundred dollar bill and stuff it in the cup.

Yeah, that would be awesome. He should start doing the poison mist like the Great Muta and Tajiri. Imagine Phil Mickelson lining up a putt and OUT OF THE CROWD! IT’S TIGER! SPITS MIST IN MICKELSON’S FACE! NO!

…Grammy winners.

I must be insane, but I liked the Mick Jagger performance. Not much else stuck out to me. I do fear for Esperanza Spalding’s life or at least sanity. Can she file a restraining order on every 13 year old girl in the country?

Whenever I see someone like Mick Jagger do an appearance like this and still tear the place down, I always wonder if in 60 years we’re going to be watching a 75 year old Justin Bieber on TV and commenting to each other, “Wow, no one does it like him anymore! These young kids today don’t even KNOW who this is!” A dystopian future, indeed.

…Miguel Cabrera’s DUI..

Scarier than the fact that one of the game’s best hitters could be drinking himself out of the league is his MUG SHOT. I jumped when I saw it the first time. It’s creepy enough to be in one of those eBaum’s World things where you think you’re doing a puzzle but than a corpse pops up and screams 30 seconds into it.

When you see “Miguel Cabrera” and “DUI” explode on your twitter feed — you’re going to click on the article. Of course, I did. I was shocked by his picture. Apparently he is a male nurse in the off season? Seriously, what is up with that shirt?